Write a commentFor many of us this hasn’t been a time of banana bread and working through that pile of books. People have had to work throughout lockdown and the pandemic, and in difficult and challenging circumstances. And even if you weren’t working, or were working from home it sometimes felt like everyone was having the Instagram life but you. Marie-Claire Rooney felt that disconnect strongly. “I was reading all of this – people getting green-fingered and cooking and doing all of these things and I was just living on tenterhooks. I had this impression that everyone else was using this time to be productive and to learn new skills, and posting impressive meals and all sorts and I just couldn't identify with that at all.”
To compound Marie-Claire’s anxiety, she was in London, far from home and family in Mayobridge and living on-site at the hospice where she works as a doctor. She had moved to hospice accommodation to reduce being on public transport and to protect her patients. And then she tested positive for Covid.
When abdominal pain became too much, Marie-Claire went to A&E and through routine swabbing, she received a positive test. And now she was alone in London, unwell and in isolation. “So I went back to my own flat and I had to take seven days off. And during that time I was able to recharge a bit and allow myself to have some distance from work and a bit of a break.” Thankfully, Marie-Claire recovered quickly but she feels she learnt a lot about herself.
“A real take-home message was the fact that everyone is a little uncertain about what’s happening. As human beings, we like certainty and to be able to control outcomes but the reality is we can’t do that. I personally have worked on sitting with uncertainty. It’s never something I’ve been good at. I get very anxious if I don’t have a plan. I’m very organised and forward-plan constantly. I’ve got a little notebook of to-do lists but I can’t rely on a to-do list notebook in this era and I have to learn how to deal with that. Taking one day at a time and making time to relax. After my enforced break I was able to carve out time for relaxation. It’s part and parcel of life that you cannot always be in control.”
“Sometimes it’s frustrating when people tell you to just find something you enjoy because there was a time when I couldn’t do anything but fret, but I think we need to acknowledge that the anxiety is there and that we’re all in it together and this is just an inevitable phenomenon. I felt a bit down on myself because I felt I should be cooking or gardening but don’t do what other people are doing. Do what you want to do”. Marie-Claire took up French classes and visited gallery exhibits online, sharing her museum pass with her father back home and “walking” around Monet’s garden with him.
And she talked with friends and colleagues through organised meeting and lunch-time chats. “A lot of people are in the same headspace and it’s heartening to know you’re not alone. I’ve only been working for six years but in that time I’ve seen a real shift towards talking about mental health. It used to be that healthcare professionals weren’t allowed to talk about mental health. It was taboo. There’s a promotion now of nurturing people’s well-being.” All the more important for people like Marie-Claire, working in a palliative environment at a time when family contact was restricted and she and her team had to protect patients at the cost of seeing their loved ones.
Marie-Claire has seen kindness and people coming together, even in London which from a distance seems like it could be a lonely place. Friends checked in with her and sent gifts but strangers too. “I know not everyone liked the NHS clapping thing but from a personal point of view it was lovely to join in with that and there was a real sense of togetherness. When you saw people hanging out of their flats, their little matchbox windows in skyscrapers, I felt like everyone was together and you would catch glimpses of billboards and signs thanking the NHS, or binmen or shopworkers. The deaths were real. This time has been really hard-hitting to everyone and each death was devastating and it’s sometimes scary to think that no-one knows what’s next but it can be comforting to know you’re not alone in that.”
And what does she want to do when this time passes? “Go to Paris to see my boyfriend, celebrate my postponed birthday trip with him and my parents. I want to hug them all. And I know I’m going to make more trips home. I always have the idea that I want to get home and something crops up but I was home for a few days in August and those days of walking in the Mournes with my father were magical.” The pull of the Mournes – we’ve all felt it.
Chatting with Marie-Claire, I am again reminded of the goodness of those who work in the palliative sector. Special people, indeed. Marie-Claire remembers those she has cared for and their families. She worries about her Mummy not enjoying her Italian classes now that they’ve moved to Zoom. She looks out for her colleagues and friends. And now she has learnt too, how to be kind to herself. To “carve out” time in her life to do things she wants to, things that are good for her. This has been such a time of big stories and overwhelming numbers, we sometimes can’t take it all in so be like Marie-Claire – allow yourself some space, give yourself a bit of credit. Life is too short to bake banana bread just because everyone else is.
