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NOTE: This is an April Fool Story
With so many controversial projects underway in the Council district this past twelve months a new initiative has been announced that's hoped will help calm things down and ground the population in a blaze of religious fervour.
The City of Sanctity local authority network met earlier this week and agreed unanimously to designate Newry a City of Sanctity.
Chairperson of the network Fr Pololia explained that Newry now is one of just ten Sanctity Cities throughout the world with Rome, Mecca, Amsterdam, Hillsborough and Las Vegas also in the network. Fr Pololia believes that Newry's wide ranges of places of worship and close knit community have contributed to the piety of our population.
Network members were impressed by the forgiveness offered in the new initiative from the Department for Infrastructure, where motorists can stay an hour longer than their designated street parking time without being charged extra, as well as the extreme reluctance of many redcoat traffic wardens to issue a ticket, instead preferring to smile while gently warning drivers parked illegally not to do it again.
The newly awarded status could see holy water refill points placed strategically throughout the city. Opportunities for drive through confessions are also going to be rolled out at service stations in the city. Discussions are ongoing about the potential of using Belfast Region City Deal money not spent on the failed gondola project, on a Rosary chain tourist attraction linking local religious sites, with plenary indulgences galore on offer. One drawback though could see prolific sinners having to apply for a visitors visa.
To commemorate the award a number of local pharmacies are releasing a headache tablet limited edition today with the ten commandments meticulously engraved on them. A concert is also being planned for Newry Cathedral gardens headlined by metal tribute band Guns N' Rosaries with support from Bjorn Again.
Sadly similar plans to make County Kildare town, Maynooth a Sanctity City, fell at the final hurdle. Newry.ie understands that on their last visit to the town in January, network members encountered a group of protesters, with one voicing his concern that the status would lead to a "biblical flood of ministry aged men".
